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The Nightmare Before Christmas and Autism: Unmasking Expectations
By Kristi | Published | No Comments
With Halloween just a few days away I’m reminded of the many Halloween nights spent with my own children. The Nightmare Before Christmas has always been a family favorite, especially for Jonathan. In fact, he loves the character of Jack Skellington so much he has a poster of him in his bedroom. It suddenly dawned on me as we watched it recently, the interesting parallel between myself and Jack Skellington. In particular, my own desire to take over so that Jonathan would adhere to all the fun and festivities of Halloween like his sisters and peers. Then I had to ask myself, was I the Jack Skellington to Jonathan’s Sally?
Recently, I’ve noticed several posts on autism groups with parents frantically looking for solutions or suggestions for navigating Halloween with their child on the spectrum. And I am reminded of how often I, too, felt the stress and anxiety of trying to help Jonathan enjoy Halloween along with his peers and siblings. Looking back, I don’t know why it was so important for me to dress him up and parade him around like all the other trick-or-treaters, but I did. Reflecting on those times, I now wonder- was I just adding another mask that my son really didn’t want to wear?
I know I’ve referred to the term masking in other posts and it never dawned on me my own duplicity when I attempted to help Jonathan conform to certain activities or holiday traditions so he would fit in. Just as Jack Skellington naïvely thought he could take over Christmas and somehow make it better. He didn’t give a second thought to the fallout or how others would think or feel. Sally knew better, right from the start but no one listened to her.
Don’t get me wrong, Jonathan always appeared excited to see the decorations going up signifying Halloween’s approach. And like most children, he the candy associated with the night. However, the ritual of dressing up in a costume and going to the doors of multiple strangers being prompted to say “trick-or-treat”, clearly didn’t make much sense to him. I finally understand why. It was another mask that was nonsensical to him, worn only to make others happy. In hindsight, he would have been perfectly fine staying at home and sharing candy that his sisters brought home without the need to perform a ritualistic expectation.
I’m not saying that everyone on the spectrum doesn’t understand or appreciate Halloween. But, in my eagerness to help Jonathan be a part of it, I overlooked what he wanted, needed and actually cared about. So when I see posts from frenzied parents searching for ways to help their child through Halloween, I have to ask myself, who are we doing it for? Is it our need for our children to fit in to the point of pushing them into situations they don’t understand, or even like? Not to mention the overloading sensory issues for many kids from putting on a costume, trying to wear a mask, or seeing all the different costumes, lights and sounds coming at them and not realizing what they’re about or why. Forced interactions with strangers at every door and engaging in ways that are socially stressful. That’s what I mean when I refer to donning another mask.
So for those of you with young children, this is just a thought. Maybe it’s time to drop the mask this Halloween. Let your child determine who they are and what they want to do instead of stressing yourself and them. Don’t allow judgment or social pressures to conform, to dictate what is best for you or your child. It’s certainly not worth creating stress, anxiety or fears about how your child will perform or interact throughout the night. How is that fun for anyone? While Jack Skellington’s heart was in the right place, clearly the outcome wasn’t what he had hoped for. And Sally had it right all along.
Holidays are tough enough, so let’s all give ourselves grace to do what’s best for us and our children. It’s one night that is over before we even know it. If your child loves trick-or-treating, that’s wonderful! But if they don’t, that’s just as wonderful. So in the spirit of Halloween, Jonathan and I will spend the evening as in years past: curled up on the couch with popcorn watching The Nightmare Before Christmas. A night without pretense or expectation, masks or costumes. Just the pleasure of a favorite family tradition that entertains us while providing an important lesson. Embrace what is best for you and your child and Happy Halloween! I think Jack and Sally summed it up best at the end of the movie when they sang:
For it is plain as anyone can see, we are simply meant to be.
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